I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I love you.
Bad choice
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