it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
