It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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