so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
