I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
