I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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