I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
