The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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