Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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