Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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