I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize