The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
