Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
its liver damage thursday
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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