Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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