umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
