Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
