i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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