Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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