Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
my sisters under your porch take her home
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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