If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Pants are for mortals
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
