They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
