The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
You did what with his pubic hair?
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