I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
