Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
