yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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