I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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