I think I won the penis lottery.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
