I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
