I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
