my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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