I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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