I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
