i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
