Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
