life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
