I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
