I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
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