Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
this beer tastes like vomit already
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
and you fell through a lawn chair
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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