please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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