he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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