I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
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Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
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He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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