I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
