I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We left the knife in your bed.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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