The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Let's paint friendship bongs
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
