we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
