She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
