I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
