Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
