You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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