I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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