I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
