if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
