Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
