I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
