Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
